Last night, in case you missed the news, an older white male, a slightly younger white male, a mixed-race guy and one woman squared off in a race for votes. Oh, and in North Carolina and Indiana, John McCain, Ron Paul, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton did the same thing. But who cares about them and the future of our country when faced with David Cook, Jason Castro, David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado and the future of "American Idol"? Honestly, people, get your priorities straight.
This week was "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week," with songs drawn from said Hall of Fame's list of "500 Songs that Helped Shape Rock and Roll." Who would have guessed that among the "500 Songs that Helped Shape Rock and Roll" would be the "Four Songs that Tried to Kill Rock and Roll"? Somehow, two of the contestants managed to find them. They may make the "American Idol" Hall of Fame, but for all the wrong reasons. Specifically:
ROUND ONE
DAVID COOK -- "Hungry Like the Wolf" -- 3 / 90
Boring like the pig. David had good eye contact with the audience and sang on key, but this was a monotonous song and David sang it all on one level. Made me sleepy like the cat.
SYESHA MERCADO --"Proud Mary" -- 1 / 95
You've gotta love somebody who is brave enough to: (A) take on songs made famous by people like Tina Turner even though the judges always advise contestants not to do that, and (B) wear more body glitter than Julie Chen on a season finale episode of "Big Brother." Shine-eesha was out in full regalia last night with her shimmery silver cocktail dress and her iridescent eye shadow, but that's not what made her glow. She sang well, she danced, she commanded the stage and the audience, and she looked like she was having the time of her life. I enjoyed every second of it.
JASON CASTRO -- "I Shot the Sheriff" -- 4 / 84
More like "I Shot Up with the Sheriff." What was the matter with him? The right side of Jason's body had this guitar hanging from it, unplayed, like a third, muscleless arm. Simultaneously, the left side of his body was doing these herky-jerky movements that reminded me of Taylor Hicks and his host of tics -- touching the microphone stand, then spasming out in all directions, then adjusting the mic again. Dude! Go back to weed -- crack does not become you. Meanwhile, someone in the sound booth decided to adjust the audio mix so that Jason's famously underpowered voice actually drowned out the band. The whole thing was freaky and unwatchable, an opinion seconded by the judges, who -- unlike last week -- obviously didn't know in advance that this would turn out to be Jason's best performance of the night. Scary!
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Stand by Me" -- 2 / 91
A typical David A. performance, punctuated by pleading facial expressions and the one gesture he knows how to make (the right palm upraised at varying heights, as if he were practicing tossing pizza crusts). He tried to hit a high note, though, and managed to succeed. This bit of vocal variety lifted David A. above David C. on my ballot for Round One. That, and the birds on his T-shirt. I liked them.
ROUND TWO
DAVID COOK -- "Baba O'Riley" -- 3 / 91
Costume change for Round Two! I loved that black jacket with the silver sparkles. Of course, I have that black jacket with the silver sparkles. What I didn't love was that this was another repetitious rock lyric (just how many times did Pete Townshend need to insert the phrase "teenage wasteland" for us to get the point?) and David had pitch problems throughout his performance of it. The judges loved it, but I thought it was surprisingly lackluster. The song itself had a little more variety in melody and tempo than David's first-round selection; hence he gets one additional rating point.
SYESHA MERCADO -- "A Change is Gonna Come" -- 2 / 96
Uh-oh. In her pre-performance package, Syesha said she was initially drawn to this song because its lyric ("It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die / I don't know what's up there beyond the sky") reflected the experience she'd had on "American Idol" -- but it took on added meaning for her when she researched it and learned how it had been an important anthem during the civil rights movement of the 1960s. So far, so good.
Then Syesha came out (dressed like an Oscar statuette) and sang it -- with big notes throughout and without much in the way of screechiness. So far, even better.
Randy criticized her with his usual vagueness, but when Paula demonstrably disagreed with him by standing up and giving Syesha an ovation -- hoo, baby! A historic "Idol" moment began. Syesha started to cry, and I mean cry. When Simon agreed with Paula's positive assessment of the performance, she moved beyond crying into a complete nervous Brooke-down. Shiny, shimmering, glimmering tears, the most beautiful sparkly tears you've ever seen in your life, cascaded down Syesha's face. Ryan, nonplussed as usual, while waiting for the stage manager to locate a Kleenex, tried to find out from Syesha why she was carrying on so. And that's when she repeated that the song was from the civil rights movement, and it just meant so much to her, and -- she played the race card.
Uh-oh.
JASON CASTRO -- "Mr. Tambourine Man" -- 4 / 79
There once was a singer forgetful
Who was lousy but never regretful.
He forgot his Bob Dylan
From too much sensimilla 'n'
This song, like his hair, was just dreadful.
(Okay, fine, those words don't exactly rhyme -- but why should I show any more respect for mere words than Jason Castro does? Don't even get me started on this smirking, lazy, disengaged amateur. Over him. Hear me? Over him.)
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Love Me Tender" -- 1 / 97
In his package, David A. announced that he was, for the first time, going to sing a romantic song on the "Idol" stage. Would you like to know what it's like when David Archuleta sings a romantic song? It's exactly like it is when he sings a non-romantic song. Pleading, squinty facials, and vocal runs the length of the Boston Marathon. What I did like: It was a truly different take on the song, and there were no post-performance histrionics.
Overall, for the night, I would place Syesha first (on performance alone), a resurgent David Archuleta second, and a surprisingly colorless David Cook third. Then I'd put Carly Smithson, Michael Johns, David Hernandez, Brooke White, and Chikezie ahead of Jason. That's just me, though.
How will it play out? Well, let's look at this historically. There have been three previous "American Idol" Top Four episodes in which there were three contestants of one gender and one contestant of the other:
This week was "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week," with songs drawn from said Hall of Fame's list of "500 Songs that Helped Shape Rock and Roll." Who would have guessed that among the "500 Songs that Helped Shape Rock and Roll" would be the "Four Songs that Tried to Kill Rock and Roll"? Somehow, two of the contestants managed to find them. They may make the "American Idol" Hall of Fame, but for all the wrong reasons. Specifically:
ROUND ONE
DAVID COOK -- "Hungry Like the Wolf" -- 3 / 90
Boring like the pig. David had good eye contact with the audience and sang on key, but this was a monotonous song and David sang it all on one level. Made me sleepy like the cat.
SYESHA MERCADO --"Proud Mary" -- 1 / 95
You've gotta love somebody who is brave enough to: (A) take on songs made famous by people like Tina Turner even though the judges always advise contestants not to do that, and (B) wear more body glitter than Julie Chen on a season finale episode of "Big Brother." Shine-eesha was out in full regalia last night with her shimmery silver cocktail dress and her iridescent eye shadow, but that's not what made her glow. She sang well, she danced, she commanded the stage and the audience, and she looked like she was having the time of her life. I enjoyed every second of it.
JASON CASTRO -- "I Shot the Sheriff" -- 4 / 84
More like "I Shot Up with the Sheriff." What was the matter with him? The right side of Jason's body had this guitar hanging from it, unplayed, like a third, muscleless arm. Simultaneously, the left side of his body was doing these herky-jerky movements that reminded me of Taylor Hicks and his host of tics -- touching the microphone stand, then spasming out in all directions, then adjusting the mic again. Dude! Go back to weed -- crack does not become you. Meanwhile, someone in the sound booth decided to adjust the audio mix so that Jason's famously underpowered voice actually drowned out the band. The whole thing was freaky and unwatchable, an opinion seconded by the judges, who -- unlike last week -- obviously didn't know in advance that this would turn out to be Jason's best performance of the night. Scary!
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Stand by Me" -- 2 / 91
A typical David A. performance, punctuated by pleading facial expressions and the one gesture he knows how to make (the right palm upraised at varying heights, as if he were practicing tossing pizza crusts). He tried to hit a high note, though, and managed to succeed. This bit of vocal variety lifted David A. above David C. on my ballot for Round One. That, and the birds on his T-shirt. I liked them.
ROUND TWO
DAVID COOK -- "Baba O'Riley" -- 3 / 91
Costume change for Round Two! I loved that black jacket with the silver sparkles. Of course, I have that black jacket with the silver sparkles. What I didn't love was that this was another repetitious rock lyric (just how many times did Pete Townshend need to insert the phrase "teenage wasteland" for us to get the point?) and David had pitch problems throughout his performance of it. The judges loved it, but I thought it was surprisingly lackluster. The song itself had a little more variety in melody and tempo than David's first-round selection; hence he gets one additional rating point.
SYESHA MERCADO -- "A Change is Gonna Come" -- 2 / 96
Uh-oh. In her pre-performance package, Syesha said she was initially drawn to this song because its lyric ("It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die / I don't know what's up there beyond the sky") reflected the experience she'd had on "American Idol" -- but it took on added meaning for her when she researched it and learned how it had been an important anthem during the civil rights movement of the 1960s. So far, so good.
Then Syesha came out (dressed like an Oscar statuette) and sang it -- with big notes throughout and without much in the way of screechiness. So far, even better.
Randy criticized her with his usual vagueness, but when Paula demonstrably disagreed with him by standing up and giving Syesha an ovation -- hoo, baby! A historic "Idol" moment began. Syesha started to cry, and I mean cry. When Simon agreed with Paula's positive assessment of the performance, she moved beyond crying into a complete nervous Brooke-down. Shiny, shimmering, glimmering tears, the most beautiful sparkly tears you've ever seen in your life, cascaded down Syesha's face. Ryan, nonplussed as usual, while waiting for the stage manager to locate a Kleenex, tried to find out from Syesha why she was carrying on so. And that's when she repeated that the song was from the civil rights movement, and it just meant so much to her, and -- she played the race card.
Uh-oh.
JASON CASTRO -- "Mr. Tambourine Man" -- 4 / 79
There once was a singer forgetful
Who was lousy but never regretful.
He forgot his Bob Dylan
From too much sensimilla 'n'
This song, like his hair, was just dreadful.
(Okay, fine, those words don't exactly rhyme -- but why should I show any more respect for mere words than Jason Castro does? Don't even get me started on this smirking, lazy, disengaged amateur. Over him. Hear me? Over him.)
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Love Me Tender" -- 1 / 97
In his package, David A. announced that he was, for the first time, going to sing a romantic song on the "Idol" stage. Would you like to know what it's like when David Archuleta sings a romantic song? It's exactly like it is when he sings a non-romantic song. Pleading, squinty facials, and vocal runs the length of the Boston Marathon. What I did like: It was a truly different take on the song, and there were no post-performance histrionics.
Overall, for the night, I would place Syesha first (on performance alone), a resurgent David Archuleta second, and a surprisingly colorless David Cook third. Then I'd put Carly Smithson, Michael Johns, David Hernandez, Brooke White, and Chikezie ahead of Jason. That's just me, though.
How will it play out? Well, let's look at this historically. There have been three previous "American Idol" Top Four episodes in which there were three contestants of one gender and one contestant of the other:
> Season Two: Ruben Studdard, Clay Aiken and Josh Gracin were arguably all men, and Kimberley Locke was not
> Season Five: Three men again (Taylor Hicks, Elliott Yamin and Chris Daughtry) and one woman (Kat McPhee)
> Season Six: Three women (Jordin Sparks, my beloved Melinda Doolittle, and LaKisha Jones) and one man (Blake Lewis)
Each time, one of the majority went home, and the lone representative of the opposite sex stayed in the mix. That's a good sign for Syesha.
There have also been three previous "American Idol" Top Four episodes in which there was a "shocking elimination" (or, perhaps more accurately, a shocking reprieve for a less talented contestant)
There have also been three previous "American Idol" Top Four episodes in which there was a "shocking elimination" (or, perhaps more accurately, a shocking reprieve for a less talented contestant)
> Season One: When -- of Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini, Nikki McKibbin and Tamyra Gray -- it was Tamyra, not Nikki, who went home
> Season Three: When -- of Fantasia Barrino, Diana DeGarmo, Jasmine Trias and LaToya London -- it was LaToya, not Jasmine, who went home
> Season Five: When -- of Taylor, Kat, Elliott and Chris -- it was Chris, not Taylor, who went home
That, sadly, is a good sign for Jason -- meaning it will be either David Archuleta or David Cook who gets shown the exit door. Based on his lackluster performance as a rocker, and rockers' traditional inability to win at the highest levels of this competition, I'm predicting David Cook will be the shocking elimination tonight. Jason Castro will be the shocking reprieve, Syesha Mercado will dodge a bullet yet again, and David Archuleta will for all intents and purposes be handed the Season Seven crown.
Unless, of course, David Cook's superdelegates came out in full force last night.
Unless, of course, David Cook's superdelegates came out in full force last night.
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