Greetings, "Idol" Minds!
So here it is, 7:00 on the Wednesday morning after the "American Idol" Season Seven finals, and after ten hours, I still haven't come up with anything to say. No wacky stories to tell, no quizzes, no limericks, no creative ideas at all about how to approach this topic. Has my well at last run dry? Am I intimidated by the challenge of trying to come up with something that can top what I have written about this show before?
Or am I just completely uninspired by the material I have to work with here?
Um, the correct answer would be C.
Oh, don't get me wrong. There were some remarkable things in last night's episode. Not least among them: the defrosting and triumphant return of the cryogenically preserved Clive Davis, who was banished last year after having criticized Kelly Clarkson in the press. (I guess he has been vindicated by the fact that her last album, the object of his scorn, turned out to be the critical and commercial flop he predicted it would be.) And in the role of Robin to Clive's Batman, making a return appearance: the season's best mentor, Andrew Lloyd Webber, who came away with the night's (intentionally) funniest line, saying what would happen if David Archuleta kept squinting through every song: "He'll drive us all mad!"
Equally remarkable, in a quite different way, was the boxing metaphor. After a season in which "American Idol" has been accused of being too old-school, past its prime, bordering on self-parody, and fixed, the producers chose, without an ounce of irony, to draw a parallel between the show and . . . boxing? First we had the opening, with the contestants introduced by that famous boxing ringmaster guy, the one who bellows "Let's get ready to rumble!," Michael Buffer or something. Okay, fine, but then the two Davids had to come on stage wearing silk robes and boxing gloves, and you can imagine how embarrassed they both clearly were. But wait, there was more. Since the producers are never satisfied with stopping at "too much" when "beyond the pale" is within reach, every round was introduced with a "tale-of-the-tape" segment shot in grainy hand-held black-and-white, complete with dead-serious commentary by a too-bronzed and too-sweaty Jim Lampley, who proved that "Dancing with the Stars" and Kenny Mayne do this sort of thing much better by not taking it seriously at all. By the end of the show, when Simon Cowell declared it a "knockout" in David Archuleta's favor, I was ready to bite my own ear off.
Yes, as I said, there were remarkable things in last night's episode. None of them, however, happened to be performances by the contestants, which for the most part put the "dull" in "American Idol."
CLIVE DAVIS'S CHOICE ROUND
After his year on Exile Island, Clive proved that he still can pick 'em, just like he did when he picked "Sonny Boy" for Al Jolson back in 1910. These were the most appropriate song choices and the best performances of the night.
DAVID COOK -- "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" -- 2 / 96
Nice controlled beginning. A little mush-mouthy when he got to the chorus. David didn't hit some of the sustained notes squarely on pitch, but he managed to hit them all eventually, and his slide on the last note was effective and beautifully done. I would have liked to have seen more intense facial expressions from David C. -- a little bit more frustration.
Best judging comment: Randy Jackson calling this "the duel of 2007." Since Paula Abdul has already proved that she can see the future, it's only appropriate that Randy should prove once again ("I worked with Mariah! With Whitney! I was in Journey!") that he lives in the past.
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" -- 1 / 98
Well, if you like David Archuleta, this was your moment. He kept his eyes open (thank you, Lord Webber!), he bounced an imaginary ping-pong ball up and down with his right hand, he bounced on his feet as he moved across the stage, and he bent over and grabbed his appendix every time he had to hit a high note. All the typical Archuletisms, minus the squinting, but amped up to a fare-thee-well. It was like Extra-Strength Archuleta. And to tell you the truth, it worked. This was an exceptionally solid vocal, and David's peculiar pained facial expressions were completely appropriate for the lyric. The best performance of the night.
ORIGINAL SONG ROUND
I have to confess, I went on the "Idol" website during the songwriting contest and listened to and voted on the 20 finalists for this year's Original Song. Oh, what a cesspool of musical waste. Among the titles? "Believe in Me," "You Believe in Me" and "You Believed in Me" -- I kid you not. Hard to believe, but apparently there was no clear-cut "winner," because the producers "allowed" (such an honor!) the Davids to pick their own poison from this pile of sewage. Not a sign that the powers that be sensed a surefire hit in there, is it? And they were right.
DAVID COOK -- "Dream Big" -- 1 / 94
Simon correctly pointed out that this song didn't have the valedictory feel of such previous "Idol" original songs as "A Moment Like This," "I Believe," "Angels Brought Me Here," "My Destiny," "Do I Make You Proud?" and that timeless national treasure, "This is My Now." But unlike most of those anthems of self-affirmation, this one had a solid hook, a driving beat and a catchy tune. I would have liked to see David C. display more joy in performing this song. I kept thinking, He's holding back for some reason. Maybe he's got something in his back pocket that he's keeping from us until Round Three. Even though I felt David C. was holding back on us, the relative strength of the song itself, coupled with a performance free of any annoyances, gave him the edge in this round.
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "In this Moment" -- 2 / 92
Now, this is more like it -- an "Idol" original song with truly wretched lyrics and a wholly forgettable melody! And if you thought David Cook looked joy-free while singing his second-round choice, you should have seen David Archuleta. The boy looked constipated the entire time: squinty (I could almost hear Andrew Lloyd Webber begin to lose his grip), strained, unsmiling, and bent at the waist. Maybe it's me, but I think if you're going to sing a song about how this is your moment and nobody's gonna take it away from you, you shouldn't look like you're trying to pass a kidney stone.
CONTESTANT'S CHOICE ROUND
DAVID COOK -- "The World I Know" -- 2 / 92
Terrible song choice. If you didn't know it -- and I didn't -- you wouldn't get much out of it from David C.'s mush-mouthed interpretation of it, and therefore you wouldn't understand why he started crying (!) at the end of it. He hit a beautiful last note, but again, the entire enterprise seemed restrained, removed, overly self-controlled. But then, in my opinion, there was only one song in the world that David Cook should have sung in this round of competition last night, and because he has repeatedly vowed that he'd never trade on his sibling's illness for sympathy votes, he never would. But if he had sung "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother," the crown would be his, and the world would still be weeping.
Best judging comment: Paula Abdul telling David, "You're standing in your truth." I hope he wiped his feet afterwards.
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Imagine" -- 1 / 93
Terrible song choice. David A. thinks that this is his signature song, because it got the most impassioned audience response. The fact is, "Imagine" just happened to be the first yearning ballad he sang on the show -- and therefore the first time the audience would have heard this big voice coming from this small, relentlessly sincere teenager. Any of the yearning ballads he's sung since -- "Another Day in Paradise," "The Long and Winding Road," "Angels," or, for that matter, "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" -- would have evoked the same response, and he'd think that was his signature song.
Regardless, the repeat performance didn't do anything for me except reinforce the fact that David A. can only do one thing, one way. But unlike David Cook, there was nothing restrained about David A. last night, and the combination of a full-strength performance and a better song put David A. over the top in this round.
Speaking of over the top: Ruben Studdard singing the soundtrack to the retrospective montage at the end of the show? Oh, my God. He could have moons orbiting him.
Tonight, David Archuleta -- he of such limited emotional range, limited vocal range, limited life experience -- is going to win "American Idol." And you know what? I have this nagging feeling that -- consciously or subconsciously -- David Cook wants that to happen, and it was reflected in his performances last night. Maybe David C. doesn't want the title -- the brand -- of "American Idol." After all, the lack of it probably helped Chris Daughtry more than it hurt him. Or maybe -- and I think this is more likely -- he doesn't want to be the contestant who denied David Archuleta his dream.
Tonight we'll find out if it worked.
So here it is, 7:00 on the Wednesday morning after the "American Idol" Season Seven finals, and after ten hours, I still haven't come up with anything to say. No wacky stories to tell, no quizzes, no limericks, no creative ideas at all about how to approach this topic. Has my well at last run dry? Am I intimidated by the challenge of trying to come up with something that can top what I have written about this show before?
Or am I just completely uninspired by the material I have to work with here?
Um, the correct answer would be C.
Oh, don't get me wrong. There were some remarkable things in last night's episode. Not least among them: the defrosting and triumphant return of the cryogenically preserved Clive Davis, who was banished last year after having criticized Kelly Clarkson in the press. (I guess he has been vindicated by the fact that her last album, the object of his scorn, turned out to be the critical and commercial flop he predicted it would be.) And in the role of Robin to Clive's Batman, making a return appearance: the season's best mentor, Andrew Lloyd Webber, who came away with the night's (intentionally) funniest line, saying what would happen if David Archuleta kept squinting through every song: "He'll drive us all mad!"
Equally remarkable, in a quite different way, was the boxing metaphor. After a season in which "American Idol" has been accused of being too old-school, past its prime, bordering on self-parody, and fixed, the producers chose, without an ounce of irony, to draw a parallel between the show and . . . boxing? First we had the opening, with the contestants introduced by that famous boxing ringmaster guy, the one who bellows "Let's get ready to rumble!," Michael Buffer or something. Okay, fine, but then the two Davids had to come on stage wearing silk robes and boxing gloves, and you can imagine how embarrassed they both clearly were. But wait, there was more. Since the producers are never satisfied with stopping at "too much" when "beyond the pale" is within reach, every round was introduced with a "tale-of-the-tape" segment shot in grainy hand-held black-and-white, complete with dead-serious commentary by a too-bronzed and too-sweaty Jim Lampley, who proved that "Dancing with the Stars" and Kenny Mayne do this sort of thing much better by not taking it seriously at all. By the end of the show, when Simon Cowell declared it a "knockout" in David Archuleta's favor, I was ready to bite my own ear off.
Yes, as I said, there were remarkable things in last night's episode. None of them, however, happened to be performances by the contestants, which for the most part put the "dull" in "American Idol."
CLIVE DAVIS'S CHOICE ROUND
After his year on Exile Island, Clive proved that he still can pick 'em, just like he did when he picked "Sonny Boy" for Al Jolson back in 1910. These were the most appropriate song choices and the best performances of the night.
DAVID COOK -- "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" -- 2 / 96
Nice controlled beginning. A little mush-mouthy when he got to the chorus. David didn't hit some of the sustained notes squarely on pitch, but he managed to hit them all eventually, and his slide on the last note was effective and beautifully done. I would have liked to have seen more intense facial expressions from David C. -- a little bit more frustration.
Best judging comment: Randy Jackson calling this "the duel of 2007." Since Paula Abdul has already proved that she can see the future, it's only appropriate that Randy should prove once again ("I worked with Mariah! With Whitney! I was in Journey!") that he lives in the past.
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" -- 1 / 98
Well, if you like David Archuleta, this was your moment. He kept his eyes open (thank you, Lord Webber!), he bounced an imaginary ping-pong ball up and down with his right hand, he bounced on his feet as he moved across the stage, and he bent over and grabbed his appendix every time he had to hit a high note. All the typical Archuletisms, minus the squinting, but amped up to a fare-thee-well. It was like Extra-Strength Archuleta. And to tell you the truth, it worked. This was an exceptionally solid vocal, and David's peculiar pained facial expressions were completely appropriate for the lyric. The best performance of the night.
ORIGINAL SONG ROUND
I have to confess, I went on the "Idol" website during the songwriting contest and listened to and voted on the 20 finalists for this year's Original Song. Oh, what a cesspool of musical waste. Among the titles? "Believe in Me," "You Believe in Me" and "You Believed in Me" -- I kid you not. Hard to believe, but apparently there was no clear-cut "winner," because the producers "allowed" (such an honor!) the Davids to pick their own poison from this pile of sewage. Not a sign that the powers that be sensed a surefire hit in there, is it? And they were right.
DAVID COOK -- "Dream Big" -- 1 / 94
Simon correctly pointed out that this song didn't have the valedictory feel of such previous "Idol" original songs as "A Moment Like This," "I Believe," "Angels Brought Me Here," "My Destiny," "Do I Make You Proud?" and that timeless national treasure, "This is My Now." But unlike most of those anthems of self-affirmation, this one had a solid hook, a driving beat and a catchy tune. I would have liked to see David C. display more joy in performing this song. I kept thinking, He's holding back for some reason. Maybe he's got something in his back pocket that he's keeping from us until Round Three. Even though I felt David C. was holding back on us, the relative strength of the song itself, coupled with a performance free of any annoyances, gave him the edge in this round.
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "In this Moment" -- 2 / 92
Now, this is more like it -- an "Idol" original song with truly wretched lyrics and a wholly forgettable melody! And if you thought David Cook looked joy-free while singing his second-round choice, you should have seen David Archuleta. The boy looked constipated the entire time: squinty (I could almost hear Andrew Lloyd Webber begin to lose his grip), strained, unsmiling, and bent at the waist. Maybe it's me, but I think if you're going to sing a song about how this is your moment and nobody's gonna take it away from you, you shouldn't look like you're trying to pass a kidney stone.
CONTESTANT'S CHOICE ROUND
DAVID COOK -- "The World I Know" -- 2 / 92
Terrible song choice. If you didn't know it -- and I didn't -- you wouldn't get much out of it from David C.'s mush-mouthed interpretation of it, and therefore you wouldn't understand why he started crying (!) at the end of it. He hit a beautiful last note, but again, the entire enterprise seemed restrained, removed, overly self-controlled. But then, in my opinion, there was only one song in the world that David Cook should have sung in this round of competition last night, and because he has repeatedly vowed that he'd never trade on his sibling's illness for sympathy votes, he never would. But if he had sung "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother," the crown would be his, and the world would still be weeping.
Best judging comment: Paula Abdul telling David, "You're standing in your truth." I hope he wiped his feet afterwards.
DAVID ARCHULETA -- "Imagine" -- 1 / 93
Terrible song choice. David A. thinks that this is his signature song, because it got the most impassioned audience response. The fact is, "Imagine" just happened to be the first yearning ballad he sang on the show -- and therefore the first time the audience would have heard this big voice coming from this small, relentlessly sincere teenager. Any of the yearning ballads he's sung since -- "Another Day in Paradise," "The Long and Winding Road," "Angels," or, for that matter, "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" -- would have evoked the same response, and he'd think that was his signature song.
Regardless, the repeat performance didn't do anything for me except reinforce the fact that David A. can only do one thing, one way. But unlike David Cook, there was nothing restrained about David A. last night, and the combination of a full-strength performance and a better song put David A. over the top in this round.
Speaking of over the top: Ruben Studdard singing the soundtrack to the retrospective montage at the end of the show? Oh, my God. He could have moons orbiting him.
Tonight, David Archuleta -- he of such limited emotional range, limited vocal range, limited life experience -- is going to win "American Idol." And you know what? I have this nagging feeling that -- consciously or subconsciously -- David Cook wants that to happen, and it was reflected in his performances last night. Maybe David C. doesn't want the title -- the brand -- of "American Idol." After all, the lack of it probably helped Chris Daughtry more than it hurt him. Or maybe -- and I think this is more likely -- he doesn't want to be the contestant who denied David Archuleta his dream.
Tonight we'll find out if it worked.
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