"American Idol," April 22, 2008: Andrew Lloyd Webber Week

Greetings, Idols of the Opera!

First, I must apologize for my delay in getting this missive to you. You’ve probably missed several opportunities already to weigh in with “your” opinion on last night’s “American Idol”—and you didn’t have one yet!

Sadly, I broke my little toe on Sunday night, walking into a door that I didn’t see coming. This didn’t affect my typing—you may be surprised to learn I don’t use my feet—but it did force me to spend this morning at the orthopedic surgeon’s. And at what an inopportune time—the moment I’ve all been waiting for—Andrew Lloyd Webber Week on “American Idol”! Bombastic, pretentious West End cheese meets tacky, self-congratulatory Hollywood sleaze! I prepared myself for a musical train wreck, and between Lord Andy’s songs and Lady Ryan’s contestants, I was not disappointed. Ding-ding, whoo-whoo, crrrrrunnnnnch!

Per “Idol” custom, the show began with a retrospective of Webber’s career, which has consisted mostly of foisting overblown, faux-operatic, vaguely familiar-sounding spectacles like Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Evita, Cats, The Phantom of the Opera and Sunset Boulevard on unsuspecting theatergoers of the 1970s and 1980s—who ate it all up and then patted themselves on the back for their classical tastes. Webber was shown coaching the “Idol” contestants as a group, making the point that he was all about “the words,” which is disingenuous at best. Scant mention was made of Webber’s most frequent lyricist (Tim Rice), his most famous collaborator (T.S. Eliot), or the fact that over the last 25 years or so, Webber has chosen lyricists whose work is often just plain lousy—all the better for the attention and accolades to go to Webber’s music. You’d think from watching last night’s retrospective that ALW had written the music, the book, the lyrics, the freaking Playbills for every one of his shows.

Having said that, I must grudgingly admit that Lord Andrew then proceeded to give the “Idol” contestants the best advice—as a group and individually—of any mentor the show has had since David Foster, two years ago, and was in fact on par with the best coach the show has ever had, Barry Manilow. He encouraged them to concentrate on the character, the story, the meaning of the words of the song. It’s a shame it couldn’t have been Andrew Lloyd Webber Week when the show still had twelve contestants: His advice would have benefited all of them, for every genre they would end up singing.

So. Who was a superstar, and who got hit on the head by a chandelier last night? In order of appearance:

SYESHA MERCADO—"One Rock 'n' Roll Too Many” from Starlight Express—2 / 94

Webber promised us in Syesha’s intro “package” that this had the potential to be the funniest, wittiest number of the night. Say what? Fun it was—also bluesy, energetic, sassy and, as Simon Cowell pointed out, sexy. But witty? No. Be that as it may, it was a terrific departure for Syesha, who I had predicted would sing a power ballad like “Memory” from Cats. Yes, she was off the beat at the very beginning, but she caught up almost immediately and spent the rest of the number shimmying, sashaying, flirting with Rickey Minor and the band (brought down onstage where they belong from their usual perch) and doing it all with her usual vocal confidence. And in her tight red cocktail dress, she looked great too. She cooked. I loved it.

JASON CASTRO—"Memory” from Cats—5 / 80

Now, if you want funny . . . First, you’ve got Andrew Lloyd Webber saying, “I never thought I’d see a man singing this song . . . with dreadlocks.” Then you’ve got Jason: “I didn’t know this song was sung by a cat.” And after the explanation, Webber’s deadpan delivery of this comment: “I think he understood it . . . I think.”

Of course, Jason Castro not knowing that this song was from Cats and that it was originally written to be sung by a very old woman is typical of the problem I have with him as a contestant. He knew nothing about the song because he has no intellectual curiosity about music and no particular interest in lyrics. As a result, there he was onstage last night, in his ill-fitting white suit, singing lines like “I can smile at the old days—I was beautiful then.” I am telling you -- hilarious.

Vocally, Jason handled the low notes of the song pretty well, but at the top of the range, he was just dreadful. Overall: It’s time for this Cat to be put to sleep.

BROOKE WHITE—"You Must Love Me” from the motion picture Evita—6 / 74

Ah, but wait! Jason Castro just got saved, by a White knight! Brooke, not three words into the song, forgot what was coming next and turned to Rickey Minor and said, “I’m sorry, can we start over?” There was a pause (presumably while Rickey Minor looked around for a producer to nod assent, since this had never happened before) and then the number started anew.

So many points to make about this disaster:

> Um, it may have been the first time the orchestra had to start over, but it wasn’t the first time Brooke had to start over. She did the same thing when, accompanying herself on the piano, she found herself in the wrong key at the outset of “Every Breath You Take” during Songs-from-the-Year-You-Were-Born Week. Unprofessional or a shameless ploy for sympathy? Neither one is acceptable.

> Once she got going, Brooke delivered an adequate version of this ballad, written for Madonna to sing in the movie version of Evita. But I wasn’t quite sure if Brooke was singing in character, as a dying Eva Peron, as ALW had encouraged her, or as Brooke, pleading for audience votes (“You must love me . . . you must love me”!) Either way, the emotion seemed forced and inauthentic.

> Paula Abdul rightly pointed out, “You must never stop and start over.” Simon and Randy Jackson didn’t exactly jump to Brooke’s defense, but they disagreed with Paula. They are wrong. What if Brooke had forgotten the words in the middle of the song, or at the end? Would she have wanted to start over then? Or would she have done what she should have done in the first place, which is to muddle through?

> For the first time, during the judges’ critique, Brooke shut up! This in itself was a landmark moment for Season Seven. Michael Slezak, the critic who reviews “American Idol” for EW.com, calls Miss White “Babbling Brooke,” which I think is hysterical. But last night there was barely a trickle.

> The lyrics to this song make this a perfect exit number for Brooke tonight—”Where do we go from here? This isn’t where we intended to be”—if she remembers them.

DAVID ARCHULETA—"Think Of Me” from The Phantom of the Opera—3 / 92

God bless Andrew Lloyd Webber, who gave David Archuleta two pieces of advice after their coaching session: “The first is, Open your eyes. And the second is, Open your eyes.” Then, of course, proving that he really isn’t all about the words, he went on to confuse the word “eyes” with the word “ayes” to say, oh so seriously, “They say ‘the eyes have it,’ and that’s why.” And just when I was starting to respect Llord Lloyd.

Regardless of His Holiness’s inability to distinguish between musical performance technique and parliamentary procedure, David A. gamely tried to lift his lids during this number, his 463rd heartfelt ballad in a row. At least this one was a love song, not a social-awareness anthem, and at least it was a pop-influenced arrangement that gave the number new life. David A.’s best in weeks.

CARLY SMITHSON—"Superstar” from Jesus Christ Superstar—1 / 95

Interestingly, during their coaching session, King Andrew encouraged Carly to abandon the song she originally chose for tonight, the soaring “All I Ask of You” from Phantom—which happens to be the only ALW song I really like. Webber’s instincts were completely correct, though—”Superstar” gave Carly the opportunity to rock out in a completely comfortable way we haven’t seen since she sang “Come Together” during Lennon-McCartney Week.

It was a tough call for me to decide between Carly and Syesha for the first-place vote on my ballot. Syesha was off the beat at the beginning of her number, while Carly couldn’t handle the high notes throughout hers (she let the backup singers take them, which to me is a cheat). But ultimately Carly’s was the most confident, connected, joyous and professional performance of the night—by a hair.

DAVID COOK—"The Music of the Night” from The Phantom of the Opera—4 / 90

David Cook gets points for actually knowing who Andrew Lloyd Webber is (take that, Jason Castro), for being the only guy to sing an ALW song not originally written for a girl (do you hear me, Jason C. and David A.?) and for singing the song straight, to show us his musical-theater abilities.

Unfortunately, he loses points for lack of breath support, being flat on nearly every sustained low note (and many of the mid-range notes), and sounding like he was being strangled to death on his two trademark money notes (“Let your soul take you where you long to beeeee!” and “The power of the music of the niiiii-iiiiight!”).

David C. deserves a lot of credit for attempting this, and of course the judges behaved as if they had just seen Pavarotti come back from beyond the grave to deliver a non-lip-synched final aria. Just the same, while it may have been “The Music of the Night,” it was not the best of the night.

In summary:

My bottom three would be Brooke, Jason and David Cook, with Brooke going home, but I would be flabbergasted if David Cook wound up anywhere near the Silver Stools of Doom. So who might be seated there? Like David Cook, Jason and David Archuleta have strong fan bases that will keep them safe. That leaves Syesha, who sang in the Opening Slot of Death, and Carly, who sang about “Jesus Christ, superstar,” taking the name of the Lord in vain and costing her votes from the red states.

Of the three ladies, I will still predict that Brooke has reached her sell-by date and, on the merits (!) of her shenanigans, will have lost whatever foundation of support she once enjoyed. Buh-bye.